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Ladies, the minutes will soon be read today.
The garden club and weaving class
I’m sure have much to say...
But next week is our culture night,
Our biggest, best event,
And I’ve just made a dish for it
You’ll all find heaven sent:
It’s my lime Jello marshmallow cottage cheese surprise
With slices of pimento,
(You won’t believe your eyes,)
All topped with a pineapple ring
And a dash of mayonnaise,
My vanilla wafers ‘round the edge
Will win your highest praise.
And Missus Jones is making scones
That are filled with peanut mousse;
To be followed by a chicken mold
That’s made in the shape of a goose.
For ladies who must watch those pounds
We’ve found a special dish:
Strawberry ice
Enshrined in rice
With bits of tuna fish.
And my lime Jello marshmallow cottage cheese surprise
(Truly a creation that description defies)
Will go so well
With Missus Bell’s creation of the week:
Shrimp salad topped with choc’late sauce
And garnished with a leek.
And Missus Perkins’ walnut loaf
That’s crowned with melted cheese
Was such a hit last culture night,
We ask: no seconds please!
Now you must try
Her hot dog pie
With candied mushroom slices...
Those ladies who resigned last year,
They just don’t know what nice is!
But my lime Jello marshmallow cottage cheese surprise,
I did not steal that recipe,
It’s lies,
I tell you, lies!
Our grand award:
A picture hat
And a salmon sequined gown
For any girl who tries each dish
And keeps her whole lunch down.
I’m sure you all are waiting
For the biggest news: desert!
We’ve thought of things
In molds and rings
Your diet to subvert.
You must try our choc’late layer cake
On a peanut brittle base
With slices of bananas
That make a funny face.
Around the edges peppermints
Just swimming in peach custard,
With lovely little curlicues
Of lovely yellow mustard!
Ladies, the minutes will soon be read today.
The garden club and weaving class
I’m sure have much to say...
But next week is our culture night,
Our biggest, best event,
And I’ve just made a dish for it
You’ll all find heaven sent:
It’s my lime Jello marshmallow cottage cheese surprise
With slices of pimento,
(You won’t believe your eyes,)
All topped with a pineapple ring
And a dash of mayonnaise,
My vanilla wafers ‘round the edge
Will win your highest praise.
And Missus Jones is making scones
That are filled with peanut mousse;
To be followed by a chicken mold
That’s made in the shape of a goose.
For ladies who must watch those pounds
We’ve found a special dish:
Strawberry ice
Enshrined in rice
With bits of tuna fish.
And my lime Jello marshmallow cottage cheese surprise
(Truly a creation that description defies)
Will go so well
With Missus Bell’s creation of the week:
Shrimp salad topped with choc’late sauce
And garnished with a leek.
And Missus Perkins’ walnut loaf
That’s crowned with melted cheese
Was such a hit last culture night,
We ask: no seconds please!
Now you must try
Her hot dog pie
With candied mushroom slices...
Those ladies who resigned last year,
They just don’t know what nice is!
But my lime Jello marshmallow cottage cheese surprise,
I did not steal that recipe,
It’s lies,
I tell you, lies!
Our grand award:
A picture hat
And a salmon sequined gown
For any girl who tries each dish
And keeps her whole lunch down.
I’m sure you all are waiting
For the biggest news: desert!
We’ve thought of things
In molds and rings
Your diet to subvert.
You must try our choc’late layer cake
On a peanut brittle base
With slices of bananas
That make a funny face.
Around the edges peppermints
Just swimming in peach custard,
With lovely little curlicues
Of lovely yellow mustard!
If all this is too much for you,
Permit me to advise
More lime Jello marshmallow cottage cheese surprise!
(I’ve made heaps!)
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2. |
Oxtails
01:12
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3. |
Rabbit at Top Speed
01:14
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When you have a sudden guest, or you’re in an awful hurry, may I say, here’s a way to make a rabbit stew in no time.
Take a part the rabbit in the ordinary way you do.
Put it in a pot or in a casserole or a bowl with all it’s blood and with it’s liver mashed.
Take half a pound of breast of pork, finely cut (as fine as possible);
Add little onions with some peppers and salt (say twenty-five or so);
a bottle and a half of rich claret.
Boil it up don’t waste a minute, on the very hottest fire.
When boiled a quarter of an hour or more the sauce should now be half of what it was before.
Then you carefully apply the flame, as they do in the best, most expensive cafes.
After the flame is out, just add the sauce to half a pound of butter with flour and mix them together…
And serve.
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4. |
Vanilla Ice Cream
02:59
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Dear Friend...
I am so sorry about last night, it was a nightmare in every way,
but together you and I will have that last night someday....
Ice cream. He brought me ice cream!
Vanilla Ice cream! Imagine that!
Ice cream, and for the first time, we were together without a spat!
Friendly, he was so friendly, that isn't like him; I'm simply stunned.
Will wonders never cease? Will wonders never cease?
It's been a most peculiar day!
Will wonders never cease? Will wonders never cease?....
Oh, where was I!
I am so sorry about last night,
it was a nightmare in every way but together you
and I will have last night someday!
I sat there waiting in that cafe and never guessing that you were fat...UGH!
That you were near..you were outside looking bold...Oh my!
Dear Friend,
I am so sorry about last night....
Last night I was so nasty!
Well, he deserved it but even so,
That George is not like this George, this is a new George that I don't know.
Somehow it all reminds me of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde
When right before my eyes a man that I despise has turned into a man I like!
It's almost like a dream as strange as it may seem...
He came to offer me Vanilla ICE CREAM!
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5. |
Mr. Goldstone
02:33
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Have an egg roll, Mr. Goldstone
Have a napkin, have a chopstick, have a chair
Have a spare rib, Mr. Goldstone
Any spare that I can spare, I'll be glad to share!
Have a dish, have a fork, have a fish, have a pork
Put your feet up, feel at home
Have a smoke, have a coke
Would you like to hear a joke?
I'll have June recite a poem!
Have a leechie, Mr. Goldstone
Tell me any little thing that I can do
Ginger peachy, Mr. Goldstone
Have a kumquat, have two!
Everybody give a cheer Santa Claus is sitting here
Mr. Goldstone I love you!
Have a goldstone, Mr. Egg roll
Tell me any little thing that I can do
Have some fried rice, Mr. Soy Sauce
Have a cookie, have a few!
What's the matter, Mr. G?
Have another pot of tea, Mr. Goldstone I love you!
There are good stones and bad stones
And curbstones and glad stones
And touchstones and such stones as them
There are big stones and small stones
And grind stones and gall stones, but goldstone is a gem!
There are milestones, there are mill stones
There's a cherry, there's a yellow, there's a blue
But we don't want any old stone, only goldstone will do!
Moon stones, sun stones, we all scream for one stone
Mr. Goldstone we love you!
Goldstone!
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6. |
The Tale of the Oyster
03:02
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Down by the sea lived a lonesome oyster,
Ev'ry day getting sadder and moister.
He found his home life awf'lly wet,
And longed to travel with the upper set.
Poor little oyster.
Fate was kind to that oyster we know,
When one day the chef from the Park Casino
Saw that oyster lying there,
And said "I'll put you on my bill of fare."
Lucky little oyster.
See him on his silver platter,
Watching the queens of fashion chatter.
Hearing the wives of millionaires
Discuss their marriages and their love affairs.
Thrilled little oyster.
See that bivalve social climber
Feeding the rich Mrs. Hoggenheimer,
Think of his joy as he gaily glides
Down to the middle of her gilded insides.
Proud little oyster.
After lunch Mrs. H. complains,
And says to her hostess, "I've got such pains.
I came to town on my yacht today,
But I think I'd better hurry back to Oyster Bay."
Scared little oyster.
Off they go thru the troubled tide,
The yacht rolling madly from side to side.
They're tossed about 'til that fine young oyster
Finds that it's time he should quit his cloister,
Up comes the oyster.
Back once more where he started from,
He murmured, "I haven't a single qualm,
For I've had a taste of society,
And society has had a taste of me."
Wise little oyster.
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7. |
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I'll be so happy to keep his dinner warm
While he goes onward and upward;
Happy to keep his dinner warm
Till he comes wearily home from downtown.
I'll be there waiting until his mind is clear
While he looks through me, right through me;
Waiting to say, "Good evening, dear.
I'm pregnant. What's new with you from down town?"
Oh, to be loved by a man I respect;
To bask in the glow of his perfectly understandable neglect.
Oh, to belong in the aura of his frown--darling busy frown.
Such heaven--wearing the wifely uniform
While he goes onward and upward.
Happy to keep his dinner warm
Till he comes wearily home from downtown.
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8. |
I Can Cook Too
03:18
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Oh, I can cook, too, on top of the rest,
My seafood's the best in the town.
And I can cook, too.
My fish can't be beat,
My sugar's the sweetest around.
I'm a man's ideal of a perfect meal
Right down to the demi-tasse.
I'm a pot of joy for a hungry boy,
Baby, I'm cookin' with gas.
Oh, I'm a gumdrop,
A sweet lollipop,
A brook trout right out of the brook,
And what's more, baby, I can cook!
Some girls make magazine covers,
Some girls keep house on a dime,
Some girls make wonderful lovers,
But what a lucky find I'm.
I'd make a magazine cover,
I do keep house on a dime,
I make a wonderful lover,
I should be paid overtime!
'Cause I can bake, too, on top of the lot,
My oven's the hottest you'll find.
Yes, I can roast too,
My chickens just ooze,
My gravy will lose you your mind.
I'm a brand new note
On a table d'hôte,
But just try me à la carte.
With a single course
You can choke a horse.
Baby, you won't know where to start!
Oh, I'm an hors d'oeuvre,
A jelly preserve,
Not in the recipe book,
And what's more, baby, I can cook!
Baby, I'm cookin' with gas.
Oh, I'm a gumdrop,
A sweet lollipop,
A brook trout right out of the brook,
And what's more, baby, I can cook!
Some girls make wonderful jivers,
Some girls can hit a high "C",
Some girls make good taxi drivers,
But what a genius is me.
I'd make a wonderful jiver,
I even hit a high "C",
I make the best taxi driver,
I rate a big Navy "E"!
'Cause I can fry, too, on top of the heap,
My Crisco's as deep as a pool.
Yes, I can broil, too,
My ribs get applause,
My lamb chops will cause you to drool.
For a candied sweet
Or a pickled beet,
Step up to my smorgasbord.
Walk around until
You get your fill.
Baby, you won't ever be bored!
Oh, I'm a paté,
A marron glacé,
A dish you will wish you had took.
And what's more, baby, I can cook!!
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9. |
Give Me Coffee Now!
02:53
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My alarm goes of to early.
I’ve already said don’t talk to me until I’ve had my caffeine.
Oh! Oh! I need my coffee.
Now. Please. Give me my coffee
Don’t say a word, but bring me coffee.
Time for a quick light roast at Dunkins or a Starbucks flat white.
Make sure they spell my name right.
Coffee, coffee!
Morning salvation, but until then please no conversation.
Please let me drink my coffee, let me drink my coffee now.
Zip it. Seriously. Don’t speak at this junction. I need my skim latte to function.
Shhh! I’m ignoring you till noon, till this cup is drained.
Coffee, coffee! I need my coffee. Leave me in peace until this cup is drained.
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10. |
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You're the cream in my coffee
You're the salt in my stew
You'll always be my necessity
I'd be lost without you
You're the starch in my collar
You're the lace in my shoe
You'll always be my necessity
I'd be lost without you
Most men tell love tales
And each phrase dovetails
You've heard each known way
This way is my own way
You're the sail of my love boat
You're the captain and crew
You'll always be my necessity
I'd be lost without you
You give life savor
Bring out each flavor
But this is clear dear
You’re my Worcestershire, dear.
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11. |
Tea for Two
01:53
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Picture me upon your knee
With tea for two and two for tea
Just me for you and you for me alone
Nobody near us to see us or hear us
No friends or relations on weekend vacations
We won't have it known, dear
That we own a telephone, dear
Day will break and I'll awake
And start to bake a sugar cake
For you to take, for all the boys to see
We will raise a family
A boy for you and a girl for me
Can't you see how happy we will be?
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12. |
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The trouble with the world today, it seems to me,
Is coffee in a cardboard cup.
The trouble with the affluent society
Is coffee in a cardboard cup.
No one's ever casual and nonchalant,
No one waits a minute in a restaurant,
No one wants a waitress passing pleasantries
Like "How're you, Miss?"
"How're you, Sir?"
"May I take your order please?"
The trouble with the world today is plain to see,
Is everything is hurry up.
It's rush it through, and don't be slow,
And BLT on rye to go,
With coffee (You know I said)
Coffee (You bet I said)
Coffee in a cardboard cup.
The trouble with the helter-skelter life we lead
Is coffee in a cardboard cup.
The trouble, the psychologists have all agreed,
Is coffee in a cardboard cup.
Tell me, what could possibly be drearier
Than seafood from the Belnord cafeteria?
Seems to me a gentleman would much prefer
"Afternoon!"
"How've you been?"
"Would you like the special, sir?"
The trouble with the world today is plain to see,
Is everything is hurry up.
There's ready-wear, and instant tea,
And minute rice, and my oh me,
There's coffee (You know I said)
Coffee (You bet I said)
Coffee in a cardboard cup.
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13. |
Taylor the Latte Boy
04:25
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There's a boy who works at Starbucks
Who is very inspirational.
He is very inspirational because of many things.
I come in at 8:11, and he smiles and says, "How are you?"
When he smiles and says, "How are you?"
I could swear my heart grows wings!
So today at 8:11
I decided I should meet him
I decided I should meet him
In a proper formal way.
So today at 8:11 when he smiled and said "How are you?"
I said "Fine, and my name's Carol."
And he softly answered, "Hey."
And I said "My name is Carol, and thank you for the extra foam…"
And he said his name was Taylor,
Which provides the inspiration for this poem:
Taylor the latte boy,
Bring me java, bring me joy!
Oh Taylor the latte boy,
I love him, I love him, I love him…
So I'd like to get my nerve up
To recite my poem musical.
He would like the fact it's musical
Because he plays guitar.
So today at 8:11, Taylor told me he was playing
In a band down in the village in the basement of a bar.
And he smoothly flipped the lever to prepare my double latte,
But for me he made it triple! And he didn't think I knew
But I saw him flip the lever, and for me he made it triple,
And I knew that triple latte meant that Taylor loved me too!
I said, "What time are you playing? And thank you for the extra skim…"
He said, "Keep the $3.55, " because this triple latte was on him.
Taylor the latte boy,
Bring me java, bring me joy!
Oh Taylor the latte boy,
I love him, I love him, I love him…
I used to be the kind of girl who'd run when love rushed toward her.
But finally a voice whispered "Love can be yours, if you step up to the counter, and order."
Taylor, the latte boy
Bring me java, bring me joy
Oh Taylor the latte boy
I love him, I love him, I love him.
So many years my heart has waited,
Who'd have thought that love could be so caffeinated?
Taylor, the latte boy,
I love him, I love him, I love him.
I love him, I love him, I love him.
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14. |
It’s an Art
04:23
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There's some as don't care when they put down a plate there's a sound.
Not with me.
When they move a chair it will scrape with a grate on the ground.
Not with me.
I will have my hand right when I place a glass.
Notice how I stand right as customers pass.
Serve a demitasse with a gesture so gentle
Or do it again 'til It's near oriental.
Da da da da dum dum
It's an art! It's an art to be a fine waitress.
To see that you pleasure each guest.
There's a twist to my wrist when I bring your steak in.
Or watch how I take in your liver and bacon.
It all needs be stylish and smart.
That's what makes it an art.
I remember one day, as I do now and then.
I had shakes. Down I went!
There with my tray full of coffees
and cordials and cakes. Down I went!
But I kept my poise. Not one guest heard me fall.
Never made a noise. Not one noise food and all.
If you have to crawl, you give 'em what they like.
You carry your tray like...it's almost ballet-like.
La la la la la la la la la la la la la la
It's an art! It's an art to be a fine waitress
Each evening I treasure the test.
Like tonight was a fight, cause they hired this bus boy,
This hair-all-a-muss boy and folks heard him cuss.
Boy, did we have a quick heart to heart.
Even that was an art.
Tips? HA!
Tips are important for people like captains and barmen
For them it's a tips, see? For me, I'm a gypsy!
Just toss me a coin and I suddenly feel like I'm Carmen
So on through the ulcer, he backache, the hot, sweaty feet.
On you go!
Through, "Is your knife dull, sir?"
And, "Madam wants WHAT with her meat?"
On you go!
Two AM approaches, the curtains descend
There among the roaches my act's at an end
Every night I tend to find myself crying
There's no work so trying tr so satisfying
It's an art! It’s an art to be a great waitress.
So I zoom through the room, with a flair no one else has. An air no one else has.
I swear no one else has my lilt when I say "A la carte"
You can see it gives me a glow, ev'rytime I prove I'm a pro
Maybe I'm not quite Michelangelo.
But I'm not just a waitress,I'm a one woman show!
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Jacqueline Novikov Boston, Massachusetts
Soprano Jacqueline Novikov, founder of Forma Music, is dedicated to entertaining and educating audiences through classical vocal music. She uses music's powerful language to express life's humorous, serious, mundane and sacred truths. Jacqueline holds a B.M. from the Eastman School of Music in Rochester, NY and a M.M. from Manhattan School of Music in New York City. ... more
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