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1.
Ladies, the minutes will soon be read today. The garden club and weaving class I’m sure have much to say... But next week is our culture night, Our biggest, best event, And I’ve just made a dish for it You’ll all find heaven sent: It’s my lime Jello marshmallow cottage cheese surprise With slices of pimento, (You won’t believe your eyes,) All topped with a pineapple ring And a dash of mayonnaise, My vanilla wafers ‘round the edge Will win your highest praise. And Missus Jones is making scones That are filled with peanut mousse; To be followed by a chicken mold That’s made in the shape of a goose. For ladies who must watch those pounds We’ve found a special dish: Strawberry ice Enshrined in rice With bits of tuna fish. And my lime Jello marshmallow cottage cheese surprise (Truly a creation that description defies) Will go so well With Missus Bell’s creation of the week: Shrimp salad topped with choc’late sauce And garnished with a leek. And Missus Perkins’ walnut loaf That’s crowned with melted cheese Was such a hit last culture night, We ask: no seconds please! Now you must try Her hot dog pie With candied mushroom slices... Those ladies who resigned last year, They just don’t know what nice is! But my lime Jello marshmallow cottage cheese surprise, I did not steal that recipe, It’s lies, I tell you, lies! Our grand award: A picture hat And a salmon sequined gown For any girl who tries each dish And keeps her whole lunch down. I’m sure you all are waiting For the biggest news: desert! We’ve thought of things In molds and rings Your diet to subvert. You must try our choc’late layer cake On a peanut brittle base With slices of bananas That make a funny face. Around the edges peppermints Just swimming in peach custard, With lovely little curlicues Of lovely yellow mustard! Ladies, the minutes will soon be read today. The garden club and weaving class I’m sure have much to say... But next week is our culture night, Our biggest, best event, And I’ve just made a dish for it You’ll all find heaven sent: It’s my lime Jello marshmallow cottage cheese surprise With slices of pimento, (You won’t believe your eyes,) All topped with a pineapple ring And a dash of mayonnaise, My vanilla wafers ‘round the edge Will win your highest praise. And Missus Jones is making scones That are filled with peanut mousse; To be followed by a chicken mold That’s made in the shape of a goose. For ladies who must watch those pounds We’ve found a special dish: Strawberry ice Enshrined in rice With bits of tuna fish. And my lime Jello marshmallow cottage cheese surprise (Truly a creation that description defies) Will go so well With Missus Bell’s creation of the week: Shrimp salad topped with choc’late sauce And garnished with a leek. And Missus Perkins’ walnut loaf That’s crowned with melted cheese Was such a hit last culture night, We ask: no seconds please! Now you must try Her hot dog pie With candied mushroom slices... Those ladies who resigned last year, They just don’t know what nice is! But my lime Jello marshmallow cottage cheese surprise, I did not steal that recipe, It’s lies, I tell you, lies! Our grand award: A picture hat And a salmon sequined gown For any girl who tries each dish And keeps her whole lunch down. I’m sure you all are waiting For the biggest news: desert! We’ve thought of things In molds and rings Your diet to subvert. You must try our choc’late layer cake On a peanut brittle base With slices of bananas That make a funny face. Around the edges peppermints Just swimming in peach custard, With lovely little curlicues Of lovely yellow mustard! If all this is too much for you, Permit me to advise More lime Jello marshmallow cottage cheese surprise! (I’ve made heaps!)
2.
Oxtails 01:12
3.
When you have a sudden guest, or you’re in an awful hurry, may I say, here’s a way to make a rabbit stew in no time. Take a part the rabbit in the ordinary way you do. Put it in a pot or in a casserole or a bowl with all it’s blood and with it’s liver mashed. Take half a pound of breast of pork, finely cut (as fine as possible); Add little onions with some peppers and salt (say twenty-five or so); a bottle and a half of rich claret. Boil it up don’t waste a minute, on the very hottest fire. When boiled a quarter of an hour or more the sauce should now be half of what it was before. Then you carefully apply the flame, as they do in the best, most expensive cafes. After the flame is out, just add the sauce to half a pound of butter with flour and mix them together… And serve.
4.
Dear Friend... I am so sorry about last night, it was a nightmare in every way, but together you and I will have that last night someday.... Ice cream. He brought me ice cream! Vanilla Ice cream! Imagine that! Ice cream, and for the first time, we were together without a spat! Friendly, he was so friendly, that isn't like him; I'm simply stunned. Will wonders never cease? Will wonders never cease? It's been a most peculiar day! Will wonders never cease? Will wonders never cease?.... Oh, where was I! I am so sorry about last night, it was a nightmare in every way but together you and I will have last night someday! I sat there waiting in that cafe and never guessing that you were fat...UGH! That you were near..you were outside looking bold...Oh my! Dear Friend, I am so sorry about last night.... Last night I was so nasty! Well, he deserved it but even so, That George is not like this George, this is a new George that I don't know. Somehow it all reminds me of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde When right before my eyes a man that I despise has turned into a man I like! It's almost like a dream as strange as it may seem... He came to offer me Vanilla ICE CREAM!
5.
Have an egg roll, Mr. Goldstone Have a napkin, have a chopstick, have a chair Have a spare rib, Mr. Goldstone Any spare that I can spare, I'll be glad to share! Have a dish, have a fork, have a fish, have a pork Put your feet up, feel at home Have a smoke, have a coke Would you like to hear a joke? I'll have June recite a poem! Have a leechie, Mr. Goldstone Tell me any little thing that I can do Ginger peachy, Mr. Goldstone Have a kumquat, have two! Everybody give a cheer Santa Claus is sitting here Mr. Goldstone I love you! Have a goldstone, Mr. Egg roll Tell me any little thing that I can do Have some fried rice, Mr. Soy Sauce Have a cookie, have a few! What's the matter, Mr. G? Have another pot of tea, Mr. Goldstone I love you! There are good stones and bad stones And curbstones and glad stones And touchstones and such stones as them There are big stones and small stones And grind stones and gall stones, but goldstone is a gem! There are milestones, there are mill stones There's a cherry, there's a yellow, there's a blue But we don't want any old stone, only goldstone will do! Moon stones, sun stones, we all scream for one stone Mr. Goldstone we love you! Goldstone!
6.
Down by the sea lived a lonesome oyster, Ev'ry day getting sadder and moister. He found his home life awf'lly wet, And longed to travel with the upper set. Poor little oyster. Fate was kind to that oyster we know, When one day the chef from the Park Casino Saw that oyster lying there, And said "I'll put you on my bill of fare." Lucky little oyster. See him on his silver platter, Watching the queens of fashion chatter. Hearing the wives of millionaires Discuss their marriages and their love affairs. Thrilled little oyster. See that bivalve social climber Feeding the rich Mrs. Hoggenheimer, Think of his joy as he gaily glides Down to the middle of her gilded insides. Proud little oyster. After lunch Mrs. H. complains, And says to her hostess, "I've got such pains. I came to town on my yacht today, But I think I'd better hurry back to Oyster Bay." Scared little oyster. Off they go thru the troubled tide, The yacht rolling madly from side to side. They're tossed about 'til that fine young oyster Finds that it's time he should quit his cloister, Up comes the oyster. Back once more where he started from, He murmured, "I haven't a single qualm, For I've had a taste of society, And society has had a taste of me." Wise little oyster.
7.
I'll be so happy to keep his dinner warm While he goes onward and upward; Happy to keep his dinner warm Till he comes wearily home from downtown. I'll be there waiting until his mind is clear While he looks through me, right through me; Waiting to say, "Good evening, dear. I'm pregnant. What's new with you from down town?" Oh, to be loved by a man I respect; To bask in the glow of his perfectly understandable neglect. Oh, to belong in the aura of his frown--darling busy frown. Such heaven--wearing the wifely uniform While he goes onward and upward. Happy to keep his dinner warm Till he comes wearily home from downtown.
8.
Oh, I can cook, too, on top of the rest, My seafood's the best in the town. And I can cook, too. My fish can't be beat, My sugar's the sweetest around. I'm a man's ideal of a perfect meal Right down to the demi-tasse. I'm a pot of joy for a hungry boy, Baby, I'm cookin' with gas. Oh, I'm a gumdrop, A sweet lollipop, A brook trout right out of the brook, And what's more, baby, I can cook! Some girls make magazine covers, Some girls keep house on a dime, Some girls make wonderful lovers, But what a lucky find I'm. I'd make a magazine cover, I do keep house on a dime, I make a wonderful lover, I should be paid overtime! 'Cause I can bake, too, on top of the lot, My oven's the hottest you'll find. Yes, I can roast too, My chickens just ooze, My gravy will lose you your mind. I'm a brand new note On a table d'hôte, But just try me à la carte. With a single course You can choke a horse. Baby, you won't know where to start! Oh, I'm an hors d'oeuvre, A jelly preserve, Not in the recipe book, And what's more, baby, I can cook! Baby, I'm cookin' with gas. Oh, I'm a gumdrop, A sweet lollipop, A brook trout right out of the brook, And what's more, baby, I can cook! Some girls make wonderful jivers, Some girls can hit a high "C", Some girls make good taxi drivers, But what a genius is me. I'd make a wonderful jiver, I even hit a high "C", I make the best taxi driver, I rate a big Navy "E"! 'Cause I can fry, too, on top of the heap, My Crisco's as deep as a pool. Yes, I can broil, too, My ribs get applause, My lamb chops will cause you to drool. For a candied sweet Or a pickled beet, Step up to my smorgasbord. Walk around until You get your fill. Baby, you won't ever be bored! Oh, I'm a paté, A marron glacé, A dish you will wish you had took. And what's more, baby, I can cook!!
9.
My alarm goes of to early. I’ve already said don’t talk to me until I’ve had my caffeine. Oh! Oh! I need my coffee. Now. Please. Give me my coffee Don’t say a word, but bring me coffee. Time for a quick light roast at Dunkins or a Starbucks flat white. Make sure they spell my name right. Coffee, coffee! Morning salvation, but until then please no conversation. Please let me drink my coffee, let me drink my coffee now. Zip it. Seriously. Don’t speak at this junction. I need my skim latte to function. Shhh! I’m ignoring you till noon, till this cup is drained. Coffee, coffee! I need my coffee. Leave me in peace until this cup is drained.
10.
You're the cream in my coffee You're the salt in my stew You'll always be my necessity I'd be lost without you You're the starch in my collar You're the lace in my shoe You'll always be my necessity I'd be lost without you Most men tell love tales And each phrase dovetails You've heard each known way This way is my own way You're the sail of my love boat You're the captain and crew You'll always be my necessity I'd be lost without you You give life savor Bring out each flavor But this is clear dear You’re my Worcestershire, dear.
11.
Tea for Two 01:53
Picture me upon your knee With tea for two and two for tea Just me for you and you for me alone Nobody near us to see us or hear us No friends or relations on weekend vacations We won't have it known, dear That we own a telephone, dear Day will break and I'll awake And start to bake a sugar cake For you to take, for all the boys to see We will raise a family A boy for you and a girl for me Can't you see how happy we will be?
12.
The trouble with the world today, it seems to me, Is coffee in a cardboard cup. The trouble with the affluent society Is coffee in a cardboard cup. No one's ever casual and nonchalant, No one waits a minute in a restaurant, No one wants a waitress passing pleasantries Like "How're you, Miss?" "How're you, Sir?" "May I take your order please?" The trouble with the world today is plain to see, Is everything is hurry up. It's rush it through, and don't be slow, And BLT on rye to go, With coffee (You know I said) Coffee (You bet I said) Coffee in a cardboard cup. The trouble with the helter-skelter life we lead Is coffee in a cardboard cup. The trouble, the psychologists have all agreed, Is coffee in a cardboard cup. Tell me, what could possibly be drearier Than seafood from the Belnord cafeteria? Seems to me a gentleman would much prefer "Afternoon!" "How've you been?" "Would you like the special, sir?" The trouble with the world today is plain to see, Is everything is hurry up. There's ready-wear, and instant tea, And minute rice, and my oh me, There's coffee (You know I said) Coffee (You bet I said) Coffee in a cardboard cup.
13.
There's a boy who works at Starbucks Who is very inspirational. He is very inspirational because of many things. I come in at 8:11, and he smiles and says, "How are you?" When he smiles and says, "How are you?" I could swear my heart grows wings! So today at 8:11 I decided I should meet him I decided I should meet him In a proper formal way. So today at 8:11 when he smiled and said "How are you?" I said "Fine, and my name's Carol." And he softly answered, "Hey." And I said "My name is Carol, and thank you for the extra foam…" And he said his name was Taylor, Which provides the inspiration for this poem: Taylor the latte boy, Bring me java, bring me joy! Oh Taylor the latte boy, I love him, I love him, I love him… So I'd like to get my nerve up To recite my poem musical. He would like the fact it's musical Because he plays guitar. So today at 8:11, Taylor told me he was playing In a band down in the village in the basement of a bar. And he smoothly flipped the lever to prepare my double latte, But for me he made it triple! And he didn't think I knew But I saw him flip the lever, and for me he made it triple, And I knew that triple latte meant that Taylor loved me too! I said, "What time are you playing? And thank you for the extra skim…" He said, "Keep the $3.55, " because this triple latte was on him. Taylor the latte boy, Bring me java, bring me joy! Oh Taylor the latte boy, I love him, I love him, I love him… I used to be the kind of girl who'd run when love rushed toward her. But finally a voice whispered "Love can be yours, if you step up to the counter, and order." Taylor, the latte boy Bring me java, bring me joy Oh Taylor the latte boy I love him, I love him, I love him. So many years my heart has waited, Who'd have thought that love could be so caffeinated? Taylor, the latte boy, I love him, I love him, I love him. I love him, I love him, I love him.
14.
There's some as don't care when they put down a plate there's a sound. Not with me. When they move a chair it will scrape with a grate on the ground. Not with me. I will have my hand right when I place a glass. Notice how I stand right as customers pass. Serve a demitasse with a gesture so gentle Or do it again 'til It's near oriental. Da da da da dum dum It's an art! It's an art to be a fine waitress. To see that you pleasure each guest. There's a twist to my wrist when I bring your steak in. Or watch how I take in your liver and bacon. It all needs be stylish and smart. That's what makes it an art. I remember one day, as I do now and then. I had shakes. Down I went! There with my tray full of coffees and cordials and cakes. Down I went! But I kept my poise. Not one guest heard me fall. Never made a noise. Not one noise food and all. If you have to crawl, you give 'em what they like. You carry your tray like...it's almost ballet-like. La la la la la la la la la la la la la la It's an art! It's an art to be a fine waitress Each evening I treasure the test. Like tonight was a fight, cause they hired this bus boy, This hair-all-a-muss boy and folks heard him cuss. Boy, did we have a quick heart to heart. Even that was an art. Tips? HA! Tips are important for people like captains and barmen For them it's a tips, see? For me, I'm a gypsy! Just toss me a coin and I suddenly feel like I'm Carmen So on through the ulcer, he backache, the hot, sweaty feet. On you go! Through, "Is your knife dull, sir?" And, "Madam wants WHAT with her meat?" On you go! Two AM approaches, the curtains descend There among the roaches my act's at an end Every night I tend to find myself crying There's no work so trying tr so satisfying It's an art! It’s an art to be a great waitress. So I zoom through the room, with a flair no one else has. An air no one else has. I swear no one else has my lilt when I say "A la carte" You can see it gives me a glow, ev'rytime I prove I'm a pro Maybe I'm not quite Michelangelo. But I'm not just a waitress,I'm a one woman show!

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released June 30, 2016

Jacqueline Novikov, soprano
Yelena Beriyeva, piano

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Jacqueline Novikov Boston, Massachusetts

Soprano Jacqueline Novikov, founder of Forma Music, is dedicated to entertaining and educating audiences through classical vocal music. She uses music's powerful language to express life's humorous, serious, mundane and sacred truths. Jacqueline holds a B.M. from the Eastman School of Music in Rochester, NY and a M.M. from Manhattan School of Music in New York City. ... more

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